In Dating, Be Observant Not Obsessive
As seen on Medium.
When I was a little girl, call it age three or four, I had a playground pattern. I only know this from what my mom has later told me. Here was my pattern:
We’d arrive. My mom would help me out of the car, gather my hand in hers, and lead me toward the sandbox. And then I’d wait and I’d watch. I didn’t plunge myself into the sand. I didn’t race to the swings. I didn’t make my way to the slide. For a solid 20 minutes, I surveyed the landscape. I watched what was happening. I sniffed out the other kids from afar. And then, only after (I assume) something had registered that made me feel more comfortable, I made my way in.
I have a similar pattern in dating. It’s a combination of attempting to nip the grey area in the bud and beat heartbreak to the punch. To never be the one from whom the rug is pulled out from under—to always be the rug puller. Once on a second date, seconds before this guy I’d just met on Hinge was going to kiss me, I pulled back and said:
“Wait! Is this going to be the kind of thing where you bounce out of nowhere in two weeks?”
In other words Will you reveal your intentions before I reveal mine? Will you open your heart before I open mine? Are you going to hurt me? I’m here at the edge of the proverbial sandbox, and I’m not going in just yet, buddy.
“That question is kind of unfair,” he said in response. “What if you do that to me?”
Oh. Oh right. We’re both vulnerable here.
I witness this pattern with my clients. “I like him! This is exciting! We’re seeing each other again!” and then… “Fuck. I’m terrified. I think he has an avoidant attachment style. I can’t do this.” And so on and so forth.
I’m reminded of my sandbox every time I receive their emails and texts. That attempt to see every nook and cranny, every pitfall, every danger, every mishap, far in advance in order to avoid rejection and heartbreak. Hurt and disappointment. The hurt has evolved, too. My attempts used to read more like “Are you going to ghost me?” Nowadays it’s more “Are you going to reveal commitment issues in six months? Are you going to go back on your desire to have a baby?” How unfair that is for both of us.
Yet we continue to mine old hookups and articles we’ve read online, hoping we’ll unearth some nugget of wisdom that signifies “For sure, not this one.” In a recent interview, Dr. Joe Dispenza said “Problems are memories etched the brain.” So when we’re sitting in emotions like fear and anxiety, resentment, and disappointment, we’re in the past. We’re not in the present moment. We’re not attuned to what is happening before us (i.e. the person kissing us). We’re viewing it/them through a muddied lens of the past and then giving it meaning based on our own flavor of negativity and hurt.
I’m still that sandbox girl. I can still hold my cards tightly to my chest (I’m working on that). My knee jerk reaction is often to pause, analyze, assess — and do so manically. I’ve still got my flavor of judgment and hurt. The key difference is working with my awareness. In each scenario I now consider:
How are you putting up a front?
How are you begging for vulnerability but not showing it yourself?
How can you observe but not obsess?
Observe but not obsess. Observe but not obsess. Observe but not obsess.
I know that little girl obsessed. I know she drove herself batty trying to control the world around her. In a way, I feel like I’m just here to help her do less of that, each and every day.