Why Does Ghosting Hurt So Much?

As seen in my newsletter.

I have this lovely habit of having a feeling, like feeling anxious or upset, and then feeling guilty about having that feeling. So in my head it's like, "Gaaahhhh I feel anxious about work! I don't know what I'm doing!" and then two seconds later, "OMG Clara, just get over it. Why are you feeling this way?!"

It's WILDLY unproductive. I was reminded of this pattern when the following question came across my desk (errr dining table) earlier this week:

Why does ghosting hurt so much?

In my early dating days, if someone ghosted me, I'd write it off, claiming I "didn't care," only to then continue harboring resentment, anger and sadness for weeks to come. And on top of it all, I'd feel guilty about feeling so shitty. The nasty voice in my head would say things like "What's wrong with you? Why can't you just get over it!? Stop thinking about him!"

That pattern was WILDLY unproductive, too.  I couldn't will away my shitty feelings and attempting to do so was only making it worse.

Despite how common ghosting has become, it still hurts like hell. It's simply no way to treat another human being, regardless of whether you've been on one date, two dates, or only made plans for drinks. In an ideal world someone would have the decency to say "Hey, it's been great getting to know you, but I don't think this is right for me. I truly wish you all the best." (<--- Btw, feel free to steal this line the next time YOU want to ghost.)

So why don't people do this? Because it requires a high level of emotional maturity, one in which you have a grasp of who you, what you feel, and how to comfortably communicate that to another person. Even more so when you're saying something that's hard to say, like "I'm not into this anymore." It's a form of confrontation, which most of us tend to avoid. 

But in reality, honesty would actually be a gift to the other person. We assume ghosting hurts because it feels like a rejection, but the deeper reason it's so excruciating is because we're left wondering, "What the hell happened?" More often than not, I find my clients would rather know the other person isn't into it anymore, rather than have it remain a mystery. Our mind runs circles around what could have happened, but we rarely ask because the disappearing act has become so socially common. Again though, just because something is common doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

So what now? How do we deal? First and foremost, don't will your anger or sadness away. This part of dating is incredibly challenging and painful. Let yourself feel it. Doing that is actually the best way through. And that’s not me saying that -- it’s SCIENCE. Studies have shown that when patients experiencing anxiety or depression simply say, “I feel anxious,” it actually lessens the intensity of the emotion. I apply the same logic to ghosting. So often clients will come to me and say, “I’m meditating and exercising and drinking green juice and dating and and AND!!!” 

And to that I say, breathe my dear. Breathe and slow down and feel those hot, messy, shitty feelings. Then drink your green juice and hit your spin class and only reenter the dating world when you're ready. #yougotthis